But that’s OK.
Friends for reasons and seasons and a few for life became my mantra in 2016 after one of my closest friends called curtains on our 10 year friendship with the words “you’ve changed” (I swooned- I know I shouldn’t have but I really did).
This 10 year friendship bore witness to the joys and highs of summers spent watching our toddlers running around the garden whilst we enjoyed the sun, chilled wine and lots and lots of chit chat! Our fantastic friendship also became a container for marriage breakdowns, messy love affairs and heartache.
We held each other through it all.
Between 2009 and 2013, She regularly found me on her doorstep – at all hours of the day and night – crying and saying “he’s at ‘it’ again”. She’d scoop me up, take me inside and talk me round until I felt strong enough to go home and resume my “normal”.
That was until the last time.
Sunday 25th August 2013 6am. I hadn’t slept a wink – same old, same old, details that aren’t important here but needless to say I went racing to her house. My default bolt-hole.
She opened the door…Cue my line…”He’s at ‘it’ ag…”…She didn’t wait to hear any more, she just motioned me inside. No habitual hug, no “there there’s” or “What’s happened now?’s”. Instead I received the talking too that changed my life forever, and for which I will always be grateful.
Again, there’s no need for details here, suffice to say, she had lost patience. “How many more times are we going to have this conversation? I’m not willing to stand by and watch you unravel any more. You’re the one who keeps going back. You keep forgiving. You’re not helping yourself!”
My own best friend had lost patience with me and that was the shot in the arm I needed. I went home and put the slow wheels of change in motion.
She stood by me through the heartache, telling the children, making the study into my bedroom, moving into and renovating my new home, the divorce and the ensuing PTSD and depression and the recovery…
She stood by me and watched the whole thing. She also saw me change (read: GROW).
Working the days in my 9-5 and grafting through the night stripping walls, ripping up carpets and sanding floors. You can’t NOT grow through that.
Waking up on the other side of depression and anxiety, seeing life in technicolour for the first time in years. You can’t NOT grow through that.
Turning my back on years of heartache and low self-worth to rebuild a new life for myself, by myself and create my own business helping other women. You can’t NOT grow through that.
I began my steep personal development journey. I needed to consolidate everything I’d been through so I could understand the part I played. I not only understood the part I played, I saw as clear as day and I took personal responsibility for it ALL…I dropped the blaming and the complaining, I forgave and I moved forward.
This expanded growth mindset meant that I was unable to engage in conversations that seemed trifling and petty. I became intolerant of whinging, whining, bitching and moaning. I began to drift away from all of that.
I began making new connections with other entrepreneurs and personal development junkies who instantly ‘got me’ and I LOVED IT!!
As the months passed, whenever I met my friend I’d talk excitedly about “deep” mindset stuff or I’d be in “entrepreneurial meltdown”, stuck and overwhelmed, and more and more I could see I was losing her. She was in a different space and I resented her for it. Whenever she’d ring me to have a moan about some bloke or other, she sensed my distance and she resented me for it.
We had drifted. I had changed. I was unrecognisable to my friend, because the woman she befriended for all those years was a version of “me” that I was happy to say goodbye to. But in the process of releasing all of those layers, the filters and beliefs, that don’t serve me in my business and my new life, I also had to release the people who had connected with that old version of me. She no longer exists.
This is a common experience amongst entrepreneurs.
As we pursue higher levels of consciousness, and deeper understanding of ourselves, our awareness expands. We become super vigilant of our thoughts, our words, our environment and the people around us. We become protective of our energy.
Only those who truly love us will be inspired by our growth and will stand by with excitement and curiosity, hoping to learn something for themselves or maybe even to “catch” some of our high vibe-ness.
Everyone else will fall away. And that’s OK. They are making space for the new connections that are standing in the wings just wanting to make your acquaintance and share in your incredible journey.
And that is why I swooned when my friends last angry words to me were “you’ve changed”.
I’m grateful for it all.